I smell the rain before I see it now, I wish I did then… a day I try to flush from my memory. That was the start of an endless night, but still I don’t remember…

There’s oil smudged on the floor, and a dark room in the back where I used to play, making things that never amounted to anything, now those moments seem frozen.

The words now come from nowhere as I make it all up in the hope of stumbling upon some truth.

The pain is still real for me, words cannot erase it, and only silence can do.

Tell me, why do I accuse you? All I want to do is let the words run and run in soft streams of senseless meaning.

I know better than to trust any day that might begin or end like another. Confusion runs deep. I suffered for innocence and now I pay in everlasting guilt.

Are you still there?

Is anything there?

Now I sit here, all alone, in my own world, in my carton - half torn, half wet. My heart is heavy with thoughts and dark secrets. Why did I leave?

I am trying to explain it to you; maybe I am trying to explain it to myself.

I always had one dream, one desire, that is before I left you, my family, my home. I now know real life. I always wanted to be my own person. But if I think about it now, I think I was trying to escape you and your so-called narrow-minded way of thinking.

Life is not what I perceived of it.

I only wanted you to know that I was growing up, but now I want to come home… I can’t. I am just too ashamed of everything I have done.

I did it once, twice…and now I have lost count…it is my job. The fear and disgust hits me everyday like a ton of bricks in the face.

I hate what I have become.

I turned to alcohol, cheap wine and glue. It helps to ease the pain…for a while at least.

You believed it was a night out with the girls, for me it was my queue to escape. I had forty bucks in my pocket, a train ticket to the “big world” and only the clothes on my body. I was supposed to be exited about this, but I was scared…

I landed up in a rough area, but it didn’t matter. I was free. I truly believed that.

I needed a place to sleep. Opportunity knocked at my door, a carton box.

I was woken by a kick from the side. I thought it was Johnny, but when I felt the dampness on my body, the fact hit me. I was on my own. I crawled out of my box and saw a man who was cursing every possible object…when he saw me he calmed down and just said, “Hey kid, what’s your name?”

I sat in a room with no furniture, icy cold. I watched his every move, I watched him pour a drink. He shoved it into my hand. It took my breath away, but made me feel all warm and tingly. It made me feel good after a time. He asked again what my name was. I didn’t know. My eyes got heavy and I slipped away…

When I woke up again I saw nothing; I only felt an emptiness that scared me. I screamed and then heard a voice, “It’s fine, calm down. Only shock.” He lay my head down and the figure of a man started to appear. I then realized where I was. Maybe I should have backed out, but it’s too late now.

He called himself Jack, I trusted him, still do. I poured out all my innocent secrets and naive problems to him. He understood. He then told me his, I felt ashamed. He was twenty-one, unemployed, and a dropout. He was supposed to never succeed, he never tried. He promised to take care of me, and he did the best he knew.

I made myself home in the icy room with no furniture, except for a few crates. I assumed he drank a bit by just looking at his collection of bottles, I never said anything. It was his life.

I really needed money, I hope you can understand that, that is why I turned to the “easy” option. I always saw them stand there, I called them corner ladies. They would just stand there…and then disappear. It seemed easy enough, how could I have been so innocent? If I only knew then what I know now.

That evening I went to stand at a corner, I didn’t stand there too long; a man came up to me and asked how much. I didn’t think and just said a hundred bucks. He nodded and signaled me to follow.

When I got “home” I was shaking and so…confused. But I tried to put it to the back of my mind and I thought of my hundred bucks. Jack looked at me and shook his head. He gave me a drink and a drag from his cigarette…I think it was.

This is what I do.

I sit outside most of the time, my hand reaches automatically for the bottle cheap wine, I love the feeling of warmth, I can't say I feel it all that much these days. I am sitting here, lighting a cigarette with much skill. My problems all seem to fly away. I’ll just be walking to my corner in a minute, I just want to try and finish this.

I am now seen as a local, I have a name, Deeds. Waking up is one of the most difficult parts of my day, I always long to go to sleep, so I can dream of all of you. I work, and when I’m not working I’m boozing, and when I am not drinking…I’m high.

Jack says that he doesn’t understand me. I should go home. You’ll forgive me. He doesn’t want me to make the same mistakes as what he did. But I can’t come back, now.

I have to stay and lead this so-called life, cause I don’t know anything else. My life is like a brick wall; I try to escape but keep running into it. I am paying everyday for my innocence in everlasting guilt…

Why didn’t you tell me about how other people live, how they suffer…and now I’m accusing you again? I never wanted to hurt you.

Maybe one day I’ll come home, but all I see in front of me now, is a bottle cheap wine.