The Giraffe

The giraffe's tongue is long and gray.
No one wants a kiss from a giraffe.
Except Stanley.

The Carpet Beetle

I took one to Grandma's house
and let it run amok
on her brown-green shag.
Somebody had to take action.

The Koala Bear

The Koala Bear is dull as doorknobs.
It just sleeps all day.
If the Koala Bear worked on Wall Street,
it wouldn't work there very long.

The Javelina

It might smell bad and have a snout,
but please don't call it a pig.
Huff, puff, and blow all you want:
It'll still chew you up like cactus fruit.

The Paramecium

Paramecium is fun to say
like archipelago in geography, or
serendipity in life. But
it is probably not a good idea
to have a paramecium for a pet.

The Pelican

Whatever you do, don't let it in
to your convenience store.
Thirty-two candy bars can fit in that beak,
and I don't know about you,
but I'm not reaching in there.

Animal

Animal, on the Muppets, sometimes
confused beating his drum with
eating his drum. And like an animal
he threw his head around and said
aaaaaaaaaaaaarh.

The Bonassus

Londoners paid good money in 1821 to see
a "newly discovered, ferocious beast"
with the head of a grizzly, beard of a goat,
and fists of a tiger. Too bad they hadn't seen
the United States, where the beast
was known as the American buffalo,
as common as a corset, but less dangerous.

The Giraffe, Again

As a child I considered
the giraffe to be a bird.
No one knew why. To this day
the giraffe seems birdlike to me,
like an ostrich or a flamingo,
squawking and laying eggs in its nest.

The Rodent

The rodent should be commended
for its hard work. Cars might be named
to honor speedy mustangs or impalas,
but relentless destroyers have more fun.
I see myself behind the wheel of a Dodge Vole
driving across the country, parts squealing
as they tear potholes into sleeping highways.

The Ape and the Naked Mole Rat

The ape can stand erect and move bipedally.
It has a nearly opposable thumb and a complex brain.
The naked mole rat lives underground
and digs tunnels. So far so good.
The naked mole rat places its bathroom
in the burrow furthest from its sleeping quarters.
The ape, well, go to the zoo, you'll find out.

The Moray Eel

I met one once in a Florida bar.
I watched its torso ripple
like a streamer as it drank a martini.
It flashed me a permanent devilish smile.
I had to keep my distance, aware that
razor-sharp teeth and intoxication
make a combination more lethal
than cold gin and vermouth mist.

Not Animals

A bathtub is not an animal.
A glass is not an animal.
Air is not an animal.
Remembering my grandmother is not an animal.
An emotion is not an animal.
But these things may bite or have claws.

Magnetism

It's not the most exciting of words,
but precede it with "animal"
and you produce something wondrous,
hypnotic, mesmerizing, sensual,
something bearing little resemblance
to the yawning animals on my couch.

The Human

The human may sometimes seem to have more in common
with clouds or rain than with beasts. But we are still
animals, despite knowing how to make musical instruments
or put words on paper. Stanley the giraffe-kisser,
the inventor of the Bonassus, the men and women
with their hands up Muppets, you and I -- all animals.